Deep Breath

Ok, coffee in hand, one of two papers done, back from the whirlwind that was the United States, freshly arrived after a much needed weekend of soul shattering laughter in Euro-Disney, prepping for a week of nothingness in Mexico, making plans for my next trip to Italy in search of old girlfriends after that...how is that for a life full. God I am feeling alive, and happy and contented and decadent as I bathe in the waters of self indulgence. Life has been very real for me lately, I have had lots of intense emotional trials, surprises, and awakenings. My trip to the US was my first touch down to my old self since I've been in France, and I have to admit, it was rather surprising to watch myself transform from French Sarah, and revert back into Sarah à l'américaine:) Not to say that I've made myself a different person, but it was so enlightening to look at my old self compared in harsh juxtaposition with the new self I've been molding myself into. There is no better way to figure out who you are then immersion in another culture that constantly demands of you, who are you? why are you here? why do you really do that? Is it because it's what you were taught, or because it's what you really think??? Believe me, questions I've been asking myself all along, but that I've found much easier to answer over the last few months.

The US was amazing for many reasons, but mostly for the grounding it gave back to me. I love the saying "no matter where you go, you will always be there." And I've never found that more true than in recent months. Living in France, adopting it's social norms, dating a foreigner from another country who I don't share a maternal language with; these things have opened my perception and sense of awareness to new heights. However, no matter how much I learn, accept and tap into the new, I will still always be, deep down, that country girl from Tennessee. The girl who thrives on the green of a spring day, driving down the road, windows down, blaring music, singing at the top of my lungs, mountains in the background, nothing but open space in front of me. Deep down, I will always be her, no mater how much nutella I eat, no matter how many countries I go to, no matter how many languages I speak. She will always be there, it feels good to have finally found her, and have a grounded idea of who she is. My family will always be my family, be them biological, or the people I've carried with me over the years. I will always love to laugh down to the core of my body until I can't see. I will always want to be open to everyone and everything, no matter how many times life may have disappointed me, or I didn't meet my expectations. I will always be the best version of me when I am finding a way to give of myself to other people. And I will always shine the most, as long as love is the center of my life, and the core of my universe.

I arrived back to France to some rather unpleasant times (relationship with said man from other culture now dissolved), but I managed my way through it, and in the process managed to sort through a lot of emotional baggage I didn't know I had. Managed to be stronger than I thought I could be, and managed to find my own two feet and put myself standing on them by myself without the aid or definition of another person for the first time in about two years. I've managed to learn how to separate my wants and needs from that of another persons, and I am, ever so slowly, learning how to define myself without the influence of anyone else. That feels good, that feels fresh and pretty raw, but it feels right. Realizing how much you were wanting to stay in a country for another person, and then realizing you're staying still after all things have ended is a bit of a reality check. But in retrospect it's all perception. Everything is just a matter of change we have to adapt ourselves to, a new idea that wasn't what we thought but we can learn to be ok with. I just finished writing my long term paper on the intercultural differences between France and the US...pretty interesting to write actually, but I really like the way that I ended it....

"Ce n’est que avec de grands efforts d’immersion qu’on peut gagner une vraie connaissance de la langue, et puis, une vrai connaissance de la culture de laquelle on vit. C’est dans cette attitude qu’il faudra rester pour chasser les barrières; parce que c’est ça que peut nous changer, si on a le courage d’essayer."

Which means...

"it's only with the most effort we can muster that we can gain a true understanding of language, and thus, a true understanding of the culture we find ourselves living in. Its in this attitude that we have to say to escape our own barriers; because it's exactly that which can change us, if we have the courage to try."

Today I find myself trying, sometimes noon is harder than 10pm, sometimes being alone is better than being surrounded by people. But today I find myself taking my time with life, making an effort to really feel what I'm feeling, bref, to really know what each emotion is that I'm feeling...embrace it, and then set it free. (God I feel like such a flowery writer today). I've been giving a lot of thought to writing a book about this actually. Even though I know it's been done a million times about a million different people in a million different places. Sometimes I feel like I just have so much to say, and no one to say it to, no one to share it with. Loneliness can grip any of us, you don't have to be alone to feel lonely...don't know why I wrote that, it's just what's coming from inside today. But like I said to my girlfriend the other day, feeling feelings is better than not, even if they are shitty ones. So here's to being alive, here's to chasing life and having an appetite for whatever comes next. I'm going to try to make this next bit better than the last.

I love you, I miss you,

Sarah

|