So lately I've been finding myself really ambivalent about life in general...a little lost, a little confused, leaning on a bunch of all the wrong things for guidance instead of looking where I should be; right in the mirror.

This summer has been a really interesting adventure making re-entry into the united states. I came home to work a little, play a little and spend time a little with some of the people I love the most in the world. Although I've found myself really torn about the idea of going back to France. Being back in the states has been interesting for a variety of reasons, but mostly for seeing the different level of emotional plane I'm on. I've found myself searching, but what for I'm not exactly sure. For so long going to France, living there, traveling yada yada, that was the dream. I spent two years working towards that, and I finally got it, tah-dah! So now the question is, now what? I find myself at a new "older" juncture in my life, a little anxious to start a career maybe? It's hard when you see all the kids around you your age getting married, having babies, settling down...makes you wonder if maybe that's what your supposed to be doing...and if it's not that, then what should I be doing with myself? What SHOULD I BE DOING WITH MY LIFE? Could someone please tell me? I feel like I should be screaming that from the rooftops. Do any of you ever feel like that? How do you combat it? What do you do when sometimes the loneliness is deafening?

I found myself so torn lately, that this morning I actually had the 3rd of a series of interviews for a "grown up" job here in NYC; but I came to a realization last night, that the pain of regretting for the rest of my life the decision not to go back to France and try again, far outweighs the fear I have of how sad I'm going to be if I do. I guess sometimes life...even if you are going back to live in Europe (oh woe is me...I know) is just about survival. For the first time in my life I find myself without a plan of what is next. Yes life in Europe is super exciting, and I can travel at the drop of a hat, but after awhile, it's just life, only on another continent and in a different language...sometimes with gestures. I guess right now I'm just feeling really scared; scared of the unknown, scared of what's next, it's a strange place to be in. But each time I catch myself trying to depend on someone else I (eventually) manage to get it together and focus on where I should be; myself. So I'm starting to consider what it is that I want to take from this next year. What kind of year do I want to make it. As I rapidly approach the beginning of my 26th year and the end of my 25th, I find myself searching for the answer to the question, "now that you've grown up, what do you want?" I finally got a hold of self confidence reigns on my life...I now no longer battle with self doubt the way I used to, I know I can do anything (To that effect a friend made a joke the other night that he could literally, pick me up, throw me at a map, and I'd land, feet first, with a job and 15 friends around me in the first week...I think that nails it to a T no?)

I've started working on my thesis, the last document for school that I intend to write for a long time; I'm still running, and contemplating the idea of training for an honest to god Marathon. I think that might be a great way to manifest some of my time, and what a glorious end to the year than to defend my thesis and run a marathon all in the same month. But now that I've done the massive amounts of traveling, and I can't really settle down (since I know I'll be leaving again in a year) what can I do with myself? I feel like I'm floating a lot lately, with that question constantly bouncing around in my head.

I feel like this was maybe a ridiculous post to put out there, but sometimes writing it all down helps me to sort it all out...not so much this time, but hey, that's life sometimes right?

I love you, I miss you.

Sarah

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Hi all,

So I'm sitting here at work in Brooklyn ticking down the minutes until the end of the night; decided it'd probably be a great time to hammer out another blog...

So after arriving back from my soul-changing adventure in Italy (I really feel that Italy has some sort of mystical power, we should really look into bottling that stuff...) I spent a quick six days grading exams, running around and seeing friends, re-arranging my exam schedule (as the secretaries in the department like to assign you exams at the last minute, which will then leave you having to re-arrange your schedule since you've already planned your vacation, it will also leave you picking up extra exams in exchange to make up for the fact that you feel bad that you had to change the schedule around in the first place...THIS in turn will lead to you getting confused and forgetting that you have an exam one day; which of course you will not remember until 15 minutes before the exam starts while you are sitting in your apartment 20 minutes away from campus...FINALLY, that will result in a very ridiculous run down to campus in your platform sandals (because they're the only thing that match what you have on and you don't have time to change) and will render you sweaty, ten minutes late to the exam, apologizing vehemently to you director who just walked out of the room to replace you at the beginning of the exam, and horribly embarrassed as you stumble into the room full of 50 students (some of which are yours), sweaty, red faced and gasping for air.) Not that I speak from experience, I'm just assuming...

So after all of that mis-mosh, I hopped a plane down to Barcelona to go meet up with my mom and dad. Daddy picked me up at the airport because he had to come pick up the rental car...can I just say thank god it was midnight and there weren't a lot of people driving around, because we got horribly lost. Street signs in Barcelona are not on the side of the building facing the road, rather about 5 feet in, behind the tree on the side of the building facing the cross street...Dad and I had a good laugh as neither one of us could read said signs, I even had to get out my old lady glasses and I couldn't read them. Somehow we also ended up driving in the bus lane, which incidentally worked out because I had to get out of the car at every cross street, run 15 feet to the inside of the cross street and then haul ass back to the car before the red-light turned green. Eventually we made it back to the hotel in one piece, headed up to the roof for a beer and then passed out:)

Spain was interesting for a number of reasons...first off being the amount of family togetherness we shared. I don't think mommy, daddy and I have spent that much time in closed quarters together since before I could drive. We rented a car for the 10 day duration in Spain, and covered about 3,000km in that 10 period of time...including a run in with the Spanish police, many wrong turns, myself at the helm navigating the Spanish map we acquired at the first Parador (old run down castle refurbished by the Spanish gov to attract tourists), lots of very very bad food (Spanish food, I am not a fan of, I'm sorry), many bastardized attempts at Spanish (mom had a couple classes back in high school), lots of yelling at night since the majority of the time we had a teeeeeny tiny room and daddy snores horribly loudly (I think he actually threw something at me one night in response to my waking him up by yelling to get him to stop snoring)...anyway, you get the idea...lots of family time.

My favorite part of the 10 days by far was the 3 we spent at an olive and sheep farm in the middle of I don't know where central spain, no internet, no nothing, just us three, a small cabin, a tiny state road off the side of a dirt highway, nothing but olive trees for miles...and lots of bugs. We hunkered down there for a few days after several very long days of driving. We ventured out each day to go somewhere new. The Alhambra, was by far the most validating part of the trip for me (for some reason I've never had the desire to travel to Spain...I know I know). This was a moorish palace from thousands of years ago, the Spanish Taj Mahal if you will. So incredibly beautiful, ornate architecture, elaborate gardens and grounds...please see my FB album if you haven't. Because that was truly majestic. We also wandered over to a town called Ronda one day, which has one of the oldest bridges in Spain, from way back in about 500 AD. I found myself strolling around gazing down at the incredible gorge below as a flameco guitar hummed quietly by. It was enchanting.

We headed down to Torrejevo (spelling?) somewhere on the Costa Blanca, for four days on the beach. We finally stayed in an apt with internet, separate rooms and I got my own set of keys...this resulted in one very late night when I went out to find Spaniards to hang out with after Spain had advanced to the semi-quarter finals of FIFA and I ended up finding Irishmen instead, which of course resulted in me not getting home until about 4.30 in the morning. I swear to god they have hollow legs...I went home, they kept going. wow. just wow. That was a pretty entertaining evening to say the least. I had a lot of alone time at the beach, which I enjoyed.

We ended up having to get up super early the last day there, since we had to return the rental car all the way up to BARCELONA and we were all the way down yonder south (sorry I just couldn't resist myself) and then we caught a plane back to France where we spent the next few days hanging out in Grenoble, hiking in the mountains, eating French food...which was great that I could finally introduce my parents to real french eats, including Tartiflette for my dad and finished off with he and I drinking down an eau de vie. All in all it was a great trip.

Well that's all for now, I've got about an hour left until I get to head home for the night. Being back in the US is certainly odd, I'm still adjusting. But it's great to see old friends and be back in my country. I couldn't resist serenading the NY harbour in a rendition of the star spangled banner as the Staten Island ferry rolled in (and I was on it obviously). It's funny to see how much I've changed in the last year, how different I am, what ways I fit here now, what ways I don't; who is still in my life, who isn't, and who is floating back in...I feel like NY is a city of strangers, since everyone is from somewhere else, and everyone has a different story. So here I am, just a stranger among strangers, trying to make it work. Let's see how we go:)

I love you, I miss you (by proxy, because NY isn't really near most of you)

Sarah

(Give me a call on my American cell if you want! 865.310.7272)

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Let it all out
get it all out
rip it out remove it
don't be alarmed
when the wound begins to bleed

cause we're so scared to find out
what this life's all about
so scared we're going to lose it
not knowing all along
that's exactly what we need

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of a someone who's never known defeat
but tomorrow, upon hearing what I did
I will stare at you in disbelief
oh, inconsistent me...crying out for consistency

and you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don't break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there

and I'll let it be known
at times I have shown
signs of all my weakness
but somewhere in me
there is strength

and you promise me
that you believe
in time I will defeat this
cause somewhere in me
there is strength

and today I will trust you with the confidence
of someone who's never known defeat
and I'll try my best to just forget
that that someone isn't me

reach out to me
make my heart brand new
every beat will be for you
for you

and I know you know
you touched my life
when you touched my heavy heart and made it light

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