1
Searching...
Posted by La Belle Vie♥
on
7:24 PM
So lately I've been finding myself really ambivalent about life in general...a little lost, a little confused, leaning on a bunch of all the wrong things for guidance instead of looking where I should be; right in the mirror.
This summer has been a really interesting adventure making re-entry into the united states. I came home to work a little, play a little and spend time a little with some of the people I love the most in the world. Although I've found myself really torn about the idea of going back to France. Being back in the states has been interesting for a variety of reasons, but mostly for seeing the different level of emotional plane I'm on. I've found myself searching, but what for I'm not exactly sure. For so long going to France, living there, traveling yada yada, that was the dream. I spent two years working towards that, and I finally got it, tah-dah! So now the question is, now what? I find myself at a new "older" juncture in my life, a little anxious to start a career maybe? It's hard when you see all the kids around you your age getting married, having babies, settling down...makes you wonder if maybe that's what your supposed to be doing...and if it's not that, then what should I be doing with myself? What SHOULD I BE DOING WITH MY LIFE? Could someone please tell me? I feel like I should be screaming that from the rooftops. Do any of you ever feel like that? How do you combat it? What do you do when sometimes the loneliness is deafening?
I found myself so torn lately, that this morning I actually had the 3rd of a series of interviews for a "grown up" job here in NYC; but I came to a realization last night, that the pain of regretting for the rest of my life the decision not to go back to France and try again, far outweighs the fear I have of how sad I'm going to be if I do. I guess sometimes life...even if you are going back to live in Europe (oh woe is me...I know) is just about survival. For the first time in my life I find myself without a plan of what is next. Yes life in Europe is super exciting, and I can travel at the drop of a hat, but after awhile, it's just life, only on another continent and in a different language...sometimes with gestures. I guess right now I'm just feeling really scared; scared of the unknown, scared of what's next, it's a strange place to be in. But each time I catch myself trying to depend on someone else I (eventually) manage to get it together and focus on where I should be; myself. So I'm starting to consider what it is that I want to take from this next year. What kind of year do I want to make it. As I rapidly approach the beginning of my 26th year and the end of my 25th, I find myself searching for the answer to the question, "now that you've grown up, what do you want?" I finally got a hold of self confidence reigns on my life...I now no longer battle with self doubt the way I used to, I know I can do anything (To that effect a friend made a joke the other night that he could literally, pick me up, throw me at a map, and I'd land, feet first, with a job and 15 friends around me in the first week...I think that nails it to a T no?)
I've started working on my thesis, the last document for school that I intend to write for a long time; I'm still running, and contemplating the idea of training for an honest to god Marathon. I think that might be a great way to manifest some of my time, and what a glorious end to the year than to defend my thesis and run a marathon all in the same month. But now that I've done the massive amounts of traveling, and I can't really settle down (since I know I'll be leaving again in a year) what can I do with myself? I feel like I'm floating a lot lately, with that question constantly bouncing around in my head.
I feel like this was maybe a ridiculous post to put out there, but sometimes writing it all down helps me to sort it all out...not so much this time, but hey, that's life sometimes right?
I love you, I miss you.
Sarah
|
This summer has been a really interesting adventure making re-entry into the united states. I came home to work a little, play a little and spend time a little with some of the people I love the most in the world. Although I've found myself really torn about the idea of going back to France. Being back in the states has been interesting for a variety of reasons, but mostly for seeing the different level of emotional plane I'm on. I've found myself searching, but what for I'm not exactly sure. For so long going to France, living there, traveling yada yada, that was the dream. I spent two years working towards that, and I finally got it, tah-dah! So now the question is, now what? I find myself at a new "older" juncture in my life, a little anxious to start a career maybe? It's hard when you see all the kids around you your age getting married, having babies, settling down...makes you wonder if maybe that's what your supposed to be doing...and if it's not that, then what should I be doing with myself? What SHOULD I BE DOING WITH MY LIFE? Could someone please tell me? I feel like I should be screaming that from the rooftops. Do any of you ever feel like that? How do you combat it? What do you do when sometimes the loneliness is deafening?
I found myself so torn lately, that this morning I actually had the 3rd of a series of interviews for a "grown up" job here in NYC; but I came to a realization last night, that the pain of regretting for the rest of my life the decision not to go back to France and try again, far outweighs the fear I have of how sad I'm going to be if I do. I guess sometimes life...even if you are going back to live in Europe (oh woe is me...I know) is just about survival. For the first time in my life I find myself without a plan of what is next. Yes life in Europe is super exciting, and I can travel at the drop of a hat, but after awhile, it's just life, only on another continent and in a different language...sometimes with gestures. I guess right now I'm just feeling really scared; scared of the unknown, scared of what's next, it's a strange place to be in. But each time I catch myself trying to depend on someone else I (eventually) manage to get it together and focus on where I should be; myself. So I'm starting to consider what it is that I want to take from this next year. What kind of year do I want to make it. As I rapidly approach the beginning of my 26th year and the end of my 25th, I find myself searching for the answer to the question, "now that you've grown up, what do you want?" I finally got a hold of self confidence reigns on my life...I now no longer battle with self doubt the way I used to, I know I can do anything (To that effect a friend made a joke the other night that he could literally, pick me up, throw me at a map, and I'd land, feet first, with a job and 15 friends around me in the first week...I think that nails it to a T no?)
I've started working on my thesis, the last document for school that I intend to write for a long time; I'm still running, and contemplating the idea of training for an honest to god Marathon. I think that might be a great way to manifest some of my time, and what a glorious end to the year than to defend my thesis and run a marathon all in the same month. But now that I've done the massive amounts of traveling, and I can't really settle down (since I know I'll be leaving again in a year) what can I do with myself? I feel like I'm floating a lot lately, with that question constantly bouncing around in my head.
I feel like this was maybe a ridiculous post to put out there, but sometimes writing it all down helps me to sort it all out...not so much this time, but hey, that's life sometimes right?
I love you, I miss you.
Sarah
|
