Back in La France

Well, it's been an interesting 24 hours back...

I had amazing summer in New York, so amazing in fact, that I didn't want to come back, I didn't want to come back to France and live in an apartment with a frenchie who speaks no english, with a view that overlooks the Alps at sunset, and teach at a job where I only work 3 days a week and I can have 4 day weekends on a full salary to travel...yup, that's how good my summer was.

But, many many tears later, here I am, in said apartment, with said frenchie, having overlooked the sunset on the Alps, and I found myself talking to God.

The thing about coming back was, the fear of it all, the fear of being alone, the fear of leaving someone I had really fallen in love with back at home and coming back here to do it, on my own, for the first time ever. If I'm being brutally honest, which I am, last year was amazing, but it was a year of the unknown, a year of partying, a year of massive travel and a year of jumping from relationship to relationship, because that's what you do when you only live in a foreign country for a year. This year, is totally different, this year is about learning the language better, training for a marathon, finishing my thesis and deciding what I want my next step into life to be after this. I know these months will fly by (I've already got a trip to England planned next weekend, a trip back to Tours the weekend after, and the possibility of Oktoberfest the weekend after that) and then I'll be into my third week of teaching and it'll be October already, and hopefully I'll have a lot more of my thesis written.

I spent the summer in New York connecting with old friends, getting really in touch with my old creative side, working at a shit job that I hated, eating, drinking and falling back in love. It was amazing, I spent a lot of time on my own, I spent a lot of time learning the city...but I did come to realize that the city will always be there. But what I loved the most about this summer, was how easy everything was. I feel like there isn't anything I can't do, I really do know now, that I am a powerful creator; conversely, we all are, we just have to decide what we want...however deciding is half the battle. I found myself asking so many people this summer, "what should I do..." rather than sitting down and thinking about it myself and deciding what it all "means." Now don't misunderstand me, but no means do I expect to have any idea what even half of it means anytime soon, I just know that I need to do it on my own. I'm going to be really brave now and write the journal article I wrote tonight in my book as I was watching the sun set over the alps and talking to God...

"Day 2, well night 2 in Grenoble; plunging feelings of sadness have lessened and I got exactly what I was longing for...Alone time. I'm sad but only because I miss him so much, so now I'm "home" but not waiting for him to come home, weird. Glad I made plans to go to England and glad I have plans to go to Tours the weekend after that. This is going to turn out to be the experience in self awareness that I needed last year. I think K's book (a friend gave me a great "eat, pray, love"-like book for my birthday) will help. I know I made the right choice because I feel so sad, so I'm afraid, so I know that I am feeling what I know I've been needing to feel for ages...I just can't go running back to NY because it was easier because there were people there. I'll get used to this. Everything will be ok. I find myself staring at the mountains in comfort tonight talking to God; knowing somehow this can't be wrong, because I remember at some point wanting it so much...I want to be comfortable in my own skin again."

Ok, so maybe that doesn't seem like a lot for me to say out loud, but that was hard even to write down.

Things that have made me laugh so far since I've been here:

My roommate picked me up last night and took me straight to a swing dance class in France, where I was a better dancer than he was, and I got a crash course in the fact that I will be speaking WAY more French this year than last year (thank god).

I got my new teaching schedule and I only teach 3 days a week and have lots of time for vacation. My first thought was "awesome I can travel," my second was "fuck, I need some friends, that's a lot of alone time."

I went to the store to buy laundry detergent, and came home with fabric softener and had already done a load of laundry before David pointed this out to me.

I have managed to successfully not cry since I got on the plane...well I did mist up a little bit when I put out all my photos and NY paraphernalia my boyfriend bought me for my birthday.

My french is hella better than it was last year...I could do whatever I needed to do today without much complication or mis comprehension...how in God's name I managed last year is still beyond me.

Grenoble, is already freezing, and all my fall/winter clothes are about 300k north in Tours...good thing I'm going there soon.

I forgot how much I missed starting off the day with a pain-au-chocolat instead of a bagel from the bagel store (not that those aren't amazing either, god I miss jalapeno cheddar bagels with cheddar and bacon cream cheese).

My roommate didn't make me pay for the whole month in this apartment since I wasn't here the whole month, bonus for me!

On the other hand he laughs at my accent at about every other word that I say, so I'm paying for it anyway:)

French trains are awesome, until someone steals your favorite cowboy had you've had since college and the really awesome hat you bought in NY that was sitting underneath it...what does a French person need with my hats...stupid frogs. I'm still pretty sad about that.

I only had one suitcase and one backpack as opposed to last year's two; how I ever managed to get all the way to London to Tours with both those huge bags is beyond me. I wanted to die twice yesterday.

I can officially sleep on public transportation. Not well, but hey it's better than feeling like total crap when I get here.

This university is so much cooler than my last one; far more organized (I have my list of classes and teaching materials a week before classes start), everyone is so nice (I can use the informal greeting with all my colleagues), it's in the freaking Alps. Done and done.

So being back doesn't quite feel like I'm so far away...I mean I feel far away in general because I don't know anyone here, but that will change, as life always has a way of doing. Thanks for sticking with me, thanks for loving me, thanks for all your messages and your support...it means more than you know:)

I love you, I miss you,

Sarah

Grenoble Photos:)

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