Defining Moments

Today I had an epiphany as I was running. You see, sometimes, well let’s be honest, all of the time, I have more feelings inside of me than the average mortal. I feel things on a higher emotional plane than probably about most anyone I’ve ever come across; a bad day is a tragedy, a good day is an ecstasy, the people I love are gods and losing love is like a death. I generally feel like I have so much inside of me that I just might explode, as if it were possible to feel everything at once. My symphonic range of emotions is enough to tire anyone out just listening to me spin...I think once I had a friend describe me as a tasmanian devil, exploding emotions everywhere, which she then tastefully finished off with a spectacular impersonation of me as said tasmanian devil, complete with sound effects. I used to spend a lot of time feeling everything on the inside, trying not to be so loud, trying not to seem so uncool to the other kids who just didn’t have any possible way of understanding me. But what I have come to understand, is rather that I should accept that this is part of what makes me, well me.

I’m an artist, I’m a singer, or was rather, to be exact. I really do think that I was made that way because it’s the only true way I can express everything that I’m feeling inside without seeming like a maniac to the general public. I can dance around on stage and scream, commit suicide when love doesn’t go the right way, stab myself or someone else, only to come back and sing about it for another 20 minutes before I die (I’m an opera singer by the way...in case you didn’t catch on). Now, I don’t really sing anymore so I’ve had to find another outlet...and running became it, it was the only way to do something physical at the same time as feeling the music I was listening to. Often, when I’m running, I listen to the same song on repeat, over and over and over again...I’ve had boyfriends that didn’t understand it, how I couldn’t be bored with the same song over and over again, but it wasn’t the song I was listening to over and over again; I was obsessed with re-living the feeling that came with it, the feeling that I could recreate only when sounds are put to words in unison. I’ve never felt more connected to anyone else, or even to myself rather, then when I’m putting my feelings into music, and drawing off of my real life experiences to emote something through song to an audience. It’s like therapy, the best kind; you use it, you sing it, and then it’s out of you. I’ve never been much of a religious person, I don’t really know what I believe as far as I’m concerned, but I do believe in a divine creator, because I was made this way, because it’s the only way I feel like I can communicate with whatever that is.

I feel like life is magical, it’s just a series of moments that continue to pass us by, and you get out of them what you take. I was listening to this song over and over again today when I was running by one of my favorite artists. It was a song about the way she felt when she was at a music festival, a song about the inner connectivity between people that were strangers with one another, but shared the highest level of emotion by their joint love of music at the same time. She sings, “I am bright as the sun, you are high as a kite, we are daughters, sons, brothers and sisters tonight, at Cochella.” (Cochella being the music festival) She goes on to sing, “I’m a warm bleeding heart, you’re a generous soul and I love you though I’ve never met you before, Cochella.” Anyway, that song just really spoke to me, because of how accurately it expresses the way I feel all of the time.

I believe in love the way some people believe in religion. I believe that I can make a best friend in someone that I just met. I believe in soulmates, I believe in sharing yourself with a partner for life. I believe in loving fully, unconditionally, because it’s only in the giving that you really receive. I know most of this may sound totally fruity and flowery to most of you, but that’s just who I am. I have so much to give and still so much to live...and that’s exactly what I intend on doing.

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